Anyone who says a break up was a walk in the park, or portrays it to be that way is a complete liar. The pain caused by break ups is UNREAL. It almost can't be put into words. Tear filled eyes as someone questions how your relationship fell apart, that nasty pit in your stomach that eats your appetite for you and the dreams that your ex appears in that you wish on everything you could control. Its crazy when you can be having the perfect day, then suddenly a song comes on your iPod or a street sign reminds you of somewhere the two of you went. Long story short, your mood completely shifts and your perfect day is ruined. The only description I can put on it is super glue, ex's are stuck in your head like super glue. No matter what you do to get rid of them, there they sit, like they are stuck to your brain with super glue. Its nothing but repetitive and annoying.
As I was driving to Brandon's last night, my iPod sang a song that had ALWAYS reminded me of A, always. Last night however, the situation was different. I sang along to the entire song and not ONCE did he cross my mind. I realized after the song was over that without all the heart break, all the tears and all the MISERABLE sleepless nights I had due to ridiculous arguments between the two of us, I wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't demand respect and not settle for less, I wouldn't know exactly what I wanted when it comes to dating, I wouldn't know how to handle almost ever situation because I had "been there, done that" and I most likely would not be with Brandon.
Every break up I have gone through, every fight I have fought and every night full of tears I have let myself cry has formed me into who I am. It has helped me realize what I deserve and what I need in order to be happy. That being said, I owe all of the guys I have previously dated a huge apology for the horrible girl I was at those times of pure anger and rage, and also a thank you, for helping me become who I am and helping me realize all of this.
This is a huge growing stage in my life. I have a new feeling of freedom! It feels so relieving to be over someone you never in a million years thought you could be over. Do I hate him? Absolutely not. But this is what works best for both of us, no communication, no small updates. Lauren and I were discussing this the other night and she put it best when she said "Its not that I still care about him in a romantic way or love him, but that doesn't mean I want to see him or be in the same room as him, its uncomfortable." And it really is. You can be over someone, and be insanely happy but does that mean you want to be at 80's night with them? Or be at the same event? NOOO. No, it does not.
I cant express in words how amazing the feeling of all of this is. Its overwhelming but so powerful! I have felt this way for a really long time, but I have ignored anything that had to do with our relationship and shoved it in the back of my head because no one wants to think about things that make them miserable. Once the super glue wears off you take FULL ADVANTAGE of having your head free again. It took me a really long time to put all of this into words and really come to realize how much growing I had done. I needed to be a grown up, stop hating and start appreciating what I did get out of the relationship.
Where am I now? I have the worlds most INCREDIBLE man on this planet. If I could invent the perfect guy, Brandon would be 10 times better. I do not hold anything back from Brandon, and look forward to seeing him EVERY time I get to. I can fully depend on Brandon and trust him with everything, which is such a comforting feeling. I talk to Brandon about anything, I am my full self around him and am accepted for that! I can not believe how blessed I was to have met him, and to have him look my way. He has the worlds biggest heart and I am so lucky that he shares that with me!
"God bless the broken road that led me straight to you."
