My biggest realization as of lately is life is all about choices.
Your best friend can tell you something that breaks your heart, you can hear something you didn't want to know that does nothing for you but cause tears to roll down your face, you can have a conflict with a parent of whom you are forced to love regardless of what they do or say to you or you can realize no matter what you do, there is always that one person you can never get out of your head.
"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." Right..? People are going to hurt you. You think you have cried now? You have a whole life ahead of you. You will love and loose, you will fight and scream, you will have days where you literally do not want to get out of bed because facing the day is so difficult. I hate that part of life.
I know, your thinking, "Wow Crystal. Way to be optimistic." If you have even made it to this part of this depressing blog.
I am optimistic. Optimistic in the way that I know whatever happens to me, whatever comes from this crazy adolescence I struggle with from time to time, it is going to make me strong. I will be strong, I will be confident and I will be happy in the end. The road gets curvy, bumpy and sometimes it is just straight and boring, but its all about the ride and who you invite to sit shotgun.
Its been a hard few weeks. School is killing me, literally dragging me through the city by my ankles. I am crazy emotional and sensitive and I'm just straight up unmotivated. I need the summer, badly. Finally, the weather in Utah is brightening up and becoming T-shirt friendly. It is just what I needed to get out of this slump of bitterness.
I have had to pull up my big girl panties and deal with everything in silence and it has truly made me a stronger person. There are times I have to bit my tongue, cry by myself, go for a drive to calm down and blast some music. Feeling like I have no where to turn is hard. I have the best friends in the world that I know I can turn to at any time, but wording exactly how I feel? Completely impossible. I wish I could express it, but I cant. I wish it could be more simple.
To the BSF: My eyes have been opened as to much each and every one of you means to me, I can not wait until we are reunited. Summer days at the pool, summer nights spent dancing, chilling out and sleeping outside. I love you all more then you will ever realize, you have all made such a difference in my life. I appreciate everything you guys do for me.
To my family and Chelsey: You guys have put up with a lot of crap of mine as of lately and I have two words for you, I'm sorry. I have been such a beast to be around. Things can only go up from here. I promise to be better and show you all the respect you deserve. I love you all endlessly.
To him: You have no idea I am upset with you and I realize that it is unfair. You have no idea what I just heard and how my stomach literally feels like it might explode. I hope everything you have told me thus far is true and that this little thing that really isn't a big deal doesn't affect everything we have been working towards. I have given you everything I can, this is me, I need to know that you accept that. I know that you will never read this blog, nor would I want you to, but for some reason typing all of this out has made me feel a lot better.
"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. One step at a time."
XoXoXo.
