I was sitting at Brandon's house last night about to start some homework when I got a frantic call from my sister Tiffani. She told me that something had happened and I needed to get home as quick as I could. I knew at this instant that it was Grandpa. This was the moment I had dreaded my entire life. I somehow managed to mumble out the words "What happened?"and she calmly said that my Grandpa had fallen down the stairs outside and life-flight was on the way to my grandparents house.
I waited at Brandon's house for twenty long minutes waiting to know what hospital to go to. We were closer to the University of Utah hospital, so had he gone there it was smarter to stay and wait. Those minutes ticked by ever so slowly. Brandon's amazing mom came down in his room and comforted me until I got the call.
The rest seems like a blur. Like it wasn't even real. Just a dream.
We arrive at McKay Dee hospital and waited for out entire family to get there. Once our whole family was there the neurosurgeon came in to talk to us about my Grandpa's Cat Scan results. We didn't know what to expect at all. After he said the sentence "this is a life ending injury" the room went silent. No one expected that.
Due to the medication that my Grandpa was on, his blood doesn't clot. This prevents heart attacks and strokes but when it comes to cuts, it can get really serious because his body doesn't let him heal. When he fell, he hit his head really hard on the cement. He instantly got internal bleeding in his brain, and because of the medication he was on, he became instantly brain dead.
We had promised Grandpa we would never keep him alive if it had to be through a machine, and he would not of wanted it that way. He was a strong man and never wanted to rely on anyone but himself to stay alive. He has had a life long fear and passing away painfully, so this was a blessing in disguise.
After being assured that my Grandpa was not in any pain and had not even felt himself fall, we went in as individual families to see him. Then we went in as an entire family. His breathing tube was removed and his body allowed him to breath on his own. We then took turns kissing Grandpa goodbye and and whispering we loved him in his ear. My grandma kept saying "He is here with us, he can hear all of us." So we talked to him as if he was sleeping. The last person to say goodbye was the woman who was holding up better then all of us, my Grandma.
My Grandparents just celebrated their 55th wedding anniversary. The two of them met when my Grandma was 13 and my Grandpa was 19. Their love story is unlike any other I have ever heard, they showed deep love for each other every single day. They have the perfect fairytale. They have been inseparable their whole lives and will meet again soon.
After my Grandma kissed my Grandpa and whispered she loved him in his ear she said through small tears, "You can go now sweetheart, I'll be okay. Heavenly Father is ready for you." and moments after that he stopped breathing on his own and he was gone.
Early this morning, my role model was taken from me and returned to his home. My Grandpa was a giant impact on my life. My biological dad left my mom when she was pregnant with me and disappeared until I was about 17 years old when I chose to then seek him. In those 17 years, my Grandpa stepped up to the plate and become not only a grandfather but a father figure in my life as well. We lived with him for a short while when I was young and I still had the blessing of seeing him at least once a week ever since we moved out, 15 years ago. Our memories are irreplaceable along with our relationship. He was my best friend. I could talk to him about anything and he gave the worlds best advice, along with some sarcasm and humor. I will forever miss him. He was everything to me. I can not wait to make him proud and see him again soon. And yes Grandpa, you will always be the most important man in my life. Always. Just like I promised you eleven years ago. Rest in paradise, save me a good seat, I love you.
Special thanks to the love of my life, Brandon who has not left my side since this happened. He was with me all day when I had random break downs. He knows how to calm me down and help me cope. I could NOT of done this without him.
Thank you to everyone who has comforted me. Each and every text and call has helped me get through today. I love you all. Hug your loved ones close, because you never know what might happen.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Its true, time heals all wounds.
Anyone who says a break up was a walk in the park, or portrays it to be that way is a complete liar. The pain caused by break ups is UNREAL. It almost can't be put into words. Tear filled eyes as someone questions how your relationship fell apart, that nasty pit in your stomach that eats your appetite for you and the dreams that your ex appears in that you wish on everything you could control. Its crazy when you can be having the perfect day, then suddenly a song comes on your iPod or a street sign reminds you of somewhere the two of you went. Long story short, your mood completely shifts and your perfect day is ruined. The only description I can put on it is super glue, ex's are stuck in your head like super glue. No matter what you do to get rid of them, there they sit, like they are stuck to your brain with super glue. Its nothing but repetitive and annoying.
As I was driving to Brandon's last night, my iPod sang a song that had ALWAYS reminded me of A, always. Last night however, the situation was different. I sang along to the entire song and not ONCE did he cross my mind. I realized after the song was over that without all the heart break, all the tears and all the MISERABLE sleepless nights I had due to ridiculous arguments between the two of us, I wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't demand respect and not settle for less, I wouldn't know exactly what I wanted when it comes to dating, I wouldn't know how to handle almost ever situation because I had "been there, done that" and I most likely would not be with Brandon.
Every break up I have gone through, every fight I have fought and every night full of tears I have let myself cry has formed me into who I am. It has helped me realize what I deserve and what I need in order to be happy. That being said, I owe all of the guys I have previously dated a huge apology for the horrible girl I was at those times of pure anger and rage, and also a thank you, for helping me become who I am and helping me realize all of this.
This is a huge growing stage in my life. I have a new feeling of freedom! It feels so relieving to be over someone you never in a million years thought you could be over. Do I hate him? Absolutely not. But this is what works best for both of us, no communication, no small updates. Lauren and I were discussing this the other night and she put it best when she said "Its not that I still care about him in a romantic way or love him, but that doesn't mean I want to see him or be in the same room as him, its uncomfortable." And it really is. You can be over someone, and be insanely happy but does that mean you want to be at 80's night with them? Or be at the same event? NOOO. No, it does not.
I cant express in words how amazing the feeling of all of this is. Its overwhelming but so powerful! I have felt this way for a really long time, but I have ignored anything that had to do with our relationship and shoved it in the back of my head because no one wants to think about things that make them miserable. Once the super glue wears off you take FULL ADVANTAGE of having your head free again. It took me a really long time to put all of this into words and really come to realize how much growing I had done. I needed to be a grown up, stop hating and start appreciating what I did get out of the relationship.
Where am I now? I have the worlds most INCREDIBLE man on this planet. If I could invent the perfect guy, Brandon would be 10 times better. I do not hold anything back from Brandon, and look forward to seeing him EVERY time I get to. I can fully depend on Brandon and trust him with everything, which is such a comforting feeling. I talk to Brandon about anything, I am my full self around him and am accepted for that! I can not believe how blessed I was to have met him, and to have him look my way. He has the worlds biggest heart and I am so lucky that he shares that with me!
"God bless the broken road that led me straight to you."
As I was driving to Brandon's last night, my iPod sang a song that had ALWAYS reminded me of A, always. Last night however, the situation was different. I sang along to the entire song and not ONCE did he cross my mind. I realized after the song was over that without all the heart break, all the tears and all the MISERABLE sleepless nights I had due to ridiculous arguments between the two of us, I wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't demand respect and not settle for less, I wouldn't know exactly what I wanted when it comes to dating, I wouldn't know how to handle almost ever situation because I had "been there, done that" and I most likely would not be with Brandon.
Every break up I have gone through, every fight I have fought and every night full of tears I have let myself cry has formed me into who I am. It has helped me realize what I deserve and what I need in order to be happy. That being said, I owe all of the guys I have previously dated a huge apology for the horrible girl I was at those times of pure anger and rage, and also a thank you, for helping me become who I am and helping me realize all of this.
This is a huge growing stage in my life. I have a new feeling of freedom! It feels so relieving to be over someone you never in a million years thought you could be over. Do I hate him? Absolutely not. But this is what works best for both of us, no communication, no small updates. Lauren and I were discussing this the other night and she put it best when she said "Its not that I still care about him in a romantic way or love him, but that doesn't mean I want to see him or be in the same room as him, its uncomfortable." And it really is. You can be over someone, and be insanely happy but does that mean you want to be at 80's night with them? Or be at the same event? NOOO. No, it does not.
I cant express in words how amazing the feeling of all of this is. Its overwhelming but so powerful! I have felt this way for a really long time, but I have ignored anything that had to do with our relationship and shoved it in the back of my head because no one wants to think about things that make them miserable. Once the super glue wears off you take FULL ADVANTAGE of having your head free again. It took me a really long time to put all of this into words and really come to realize how much growing I had done. I needed to be a grown up, stop hating and start appreciating what I did get out of the relationship.
Where am I now? I have the worlds most INCREDIBLE man on this planet. If I could invent the perfect guy, Brandon would be 10 times better. I do not hold anything back from Brandon, and look forward to seeing him EVERY time I get to. I can fully depend on Brandon and trust him with everything, which is such a comforting feeling. I talk to Brandon about anything, I am my full self around him and am accepted for that! I can not believe how blessed I was to have met him, and to have him look my way. He has the worlds biggest heart and I am so lucky that he shares that with me!
"God bless the broken road that led me straight to you."
Monday, July 18, 2011
Outta no where.
Writing to me is insanely therapeutic, and after ran emotional week, all I want to do is write.
I spent the weekend in Park City with Brandon and his family, it was the perfect weekend! We had such a good time and were constantly smiling and laughing. What caught me off guard was Saturday night when Brandon and I were sitting by a fire at the condo we were staying at that was in some sort of court yard setting, and discussed our relationship. We talked about where we would be had we never got together, we talked about how happy were we now and how much we have changed each others lives. Then BOOM, out of NO WHERE, with absolutely no warning, I just start bawling.
Brandon has seriously changed me for the better, and for some reason picturing life without him made me so emotional. I am so content with him and where we are that even the thought of us not being together brought me to tears (which takes a lot, I'm not the typical crying type.)
I now have a greater appreciation for not only me and Brandon's relationship, but also for everyone else I associate with. Including the worlds best group of girlfriends ANYONE could ask for, the most incredible family and an amazing staff of girls I get to work with.
This weekend was an emotional eye opener, but it definitely needed to happen to put things in perspective for me.
I'm excited for school to start! Weird, I know. I have been out since the middle of April and am proud to say I am ready to just back in, 5 months is PLENTY of time to rebuild my motivation.
I'm taking medical classes this semester, which excites me even more to be FINALLY starting things I am interested in.
I have done such fun things this summer, from swimming everyday, to visiting the big apple (which is a whole other blog), to being with the girls and developing friendships with my sisters that are so great!
I also cut off ALL my hair, its a new sense of freedom. Its almost like a whole new me? I have this spunky attitude, and I love it :)
Pretty much, I'm having a ball :)
"Its not the choices we make that define us, it's the reason for making those choices"
I spent the weekend in Park City with Brandon and his family, it was the perfect weekend! We had such a good time and were constantly smiling and laughing. What caught me off guard was Saturday night when Brandon and I were sitting by a fire at the condo we were staying at that was in some sort of court yard setting, and discussed our relationship. We talked about where we would be had we never got together, we talked about how happy were we now and how much we have changed each others lives. Then BOOM, out of NO WHERE, with absolutely no warning, I just start bawling.
Brandon has seriously changed me for the better, and for some reason picturing life without him made me so emotional. I am so content with him and where we are that even the thought of us not being together brought me to tears (which takes a lot, I'm not the typical crying type.)
I now have a greater appreciation for not only me and Brandon's relationship, but also for everyone else I associate with. Including the worlds best group of girlfriends ANYONE could ask for, the most incredible family and an amazing staff of girls I get to work with.
This weekend was an emotional eye opener, but it definitely needed to happen to put things in perspective for me.
I'm excited for school to start! Weird, I know. I have been out since the middle of April and am proud to say I am ready to just back in, 5 months is PLENTY of time to rebuild my motivation.
I'm taking medical classes this semester, which excites me even more to be FINALLY starting things I am interested in.
I have done such fun things this summer, from swimming everyday, to visiting the big apple (which is a whole other blog), to being with the girls and developing friendships with my sisters that are so great!
I also cut off ALL my hair, its a new sense of freedom. Its almost like a whole new me? I have this spunky attitude, and I love it :)
Pretty much, I'm having a ball :)
"Its not the choices we make that define us, it's the reason for making those choices"
Saturday, April 16, 2011
If you'd ask me for my heart, there's no way that I'd say no.
I honestly do not recall the last time I was this happy and content with everything that surrounds me on a daily basis. :) I am so grateful for the path that I have chosen and what is beginning to unfold for me! Lauren, your idea is good and I am stealing it for this blog because I was thinking about doing something similar before I even saw it, but now I am straight up stealing it. :)
BJS: You never fail to amaze me. There are nights that I sit back and get completely lost just looking at you. I have never felt so special, I have never felt so cared for and I have never felt so stable with anything in my life. You honestly make me feel like a million dollars and it makes me realize how lucky I am to have met you. You have taught me so much about myself and proved to me that amazing guys like yourself exist. I can not even word how crazy I am about you and how much I appreciate everything you have done for me.
-I love that we understand each other, the chemistry between us is unreal.
-I love that our arguments (which are few) are no longer then 10 minutes and end is bear hugs and cuddle sessions.
-I love how I can be my complete self around you and know for a fact you aren't judging me.
-I love our jam sessions to random music.
-I love that you understand me, it seems to be a difficult task for most.
-I love that we can lay there and talk for hours about everything.
-I love how secure I feel in your arms.
-I love that you can make me smile, no matter what.
-I love that you don't have a mean bone in your body.
-I love that you do not care what anyone thinks, (like picking up tampons for your little sisters at the store when your by yourself.)
-I love how comfortable I am with you.
-I love the cute surprises you do for me, they always make me so happy.
-I love our inside jokes.
-I love that you watch Disney movies with me and laugh at all the little kid parts with me.
-I love that my entire family adores you and that you have made a huge effort to be apart of everything we do.
-I love that I threw up in front of you while you held the garbage and told you things I shouldn't, completely doped up on medicine from the dentist, and you still did not leave my side for two days straight to take care of me.
-I love that I don't have to wear make up, can be straight out of the shower or completely dolled up and it never seems to make a difference to you.
-I love that you claim me in public and hold my hand.
-I love that you open my door for me, I have never dated someone who does that.
-I love that you are ambitious and that you work so hard in everything that you do.
-I love watching you coach your team.
-I love that you are amazing with little kids.
-I love that your family is so welcoming and has made me feel like I am part of it.
-I love that I cant sleep when your not there, it makes me miss you.
-I love that we can chow down on big macs side by side.
-I love the laugh attacks we have at 2 in the morning over absolutely nothing.
-I love that you are patient.
-I love your friends, they are incredible people.
-I love everything about us, I love where we are and I love where we are going <3
I am more then excited to have all of my ladies home for the summer. I cant wait for the girls nights, going dancing, doing random things that we tend to wrap ourselves up in and the new "drives up to Logan!" to see two of our best friends that will be staying there for the summer! I am so excited to start having free time to see Amy, Kayla and Taylor more also! It will be so nice!
School kicked my butt this semester, but I am just happy it is over. I'm terrified to check my grades, but at the same time, I just stopped caring... at midterm. Hahah. I have one more final on Tuesday and then I am home free for five months!
I am happy to be working so much and making money, I am grateful I actually have a job! My hours are flexible and I absolutely LOVE everyone that I work with! We have recently added a boutique section to our salon, and so I am also spending loads of money on new products, but its cute and reasonably priced, so I dig it! :)
I have the worlds greatest family. My mom was once again in the hospital this week over an allergic reaction, (she seems to love having them) but every time something happens like that within our family, I realize how strong we are when we come together. I love them all so much!
The weather is beautiful today, school is so close to ending, I have the worlds greatest guy, friends and family. Life could not be better! <3
XoXo
Friday, March 11, 2011
I bleed my heart out on this paper, for you.
My biggest realization as of lately is life is all about choices.
Your best friend can tell you something that breaks your heart, you can hear something you didn't want to know that does nothing for you but cause tears to roll down your face, you can have a conflict with a parent of whom you are forced to love regardless of what they do or say to you or you can realize no matter what you do, there is always that one person you can never get out of your head.
"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." Right..? People are going to hurt you. You think you have cried now? You have a whole life ahead of you. You will love and loose, you will fight and scream, you will have days where you literally do not want to get out of bed because facing the day is so difficult. I hate that part of life.
I know, your thinking, "Wow Crystal. Way to be optimistic." If you have even made it to this part of this depressing blog.
I am optimistic. Optimistic in the way that I know whatever happens to me, whatever comes from this crazy adolescence I struggle with from time to time, it is going to make me strong. I will be strong, I will be confident and I will be happy in the end. The road gets curvy, bumpy and sometimes it is just straight and boring, but its all about the ride and who you invite to sit shotgun.
Its been a hard few weeks. School is killing me, literally dragging me through the city by my ankles. I am crazy emotional and sensitive and I'm just straight up unmotivated. I need the summer, badly. Finally, the weather in Utah is brightening up and becoming T-shirt friendly. It is just what I needed to get out of this slump of bitterness.
I have had to pull up my big girl panties and deal with everything in silence and it has truly made me a stronger person. There are times I have to bit my tongue, cry by myself, go for a drive to calm down and blast some music. Feeling like I have no where to turn is hard. I have the best friends in the world that I know I can turn to at any time, but wording exactly how I feel? Completely impossible. I wish I could express it, but I cant. I wish it could be more simple.
To the BSF: My eyes have been opened as to much each and every one of you means to me, I can not wait until we are reunited. Summer days at the pool, summer nights spent dancing, chilling out and sleeping outside. I love you all more then you will ever realize, you have all made such a difference in my life. I appreciate everything you guys do for me.
To my family and Chelsey: You guys have put up with a lot of crap of mine as of lately and I have two words for you, I'm sorry. I have been such a beast to be around. Things can only go up from here. I promise to be better and show you all the respect you deserve. I love you all endlessly.
To him: You have no idea I am upset with you and I realize that it is unfair. You have no idea what I just heard and how my stomach literally feels like it might explode. I hope everything you have told me thus far is true and that this little thing that really isn't a big deal doesn't affect everything we have been working towards. I have given you everything I can, this is me, I need to know that you accept that. I know that you will never read this blog, nor would I want you to, but for some reason typing all of this out has made me feel a lot better.
"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. One step at a time."
XoXoXo.
Your best friend can tell you something that breaks your heart, you can hear something you didn't want to know that does nothing for you but cause tears to roll down your face, you can have a conflict with a parent of whom you are forced to love regardless of what they do or say to you or you can realize no matter what you do, there is always that one person you can never get out of your head.
"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." Right..? People are going to hurt you. You think you have cried now? You have a whole life ahead of you. You will love and loose, you will fight and scream, you will have days where you literally do not want to get out of bed because facing the day is so difficult. I hate that part of life.
I know, your thinking, "Wow Crystal. Way to be optimistic." If you have even made it to this part of this depressing blog.
I am optimistic. Optimistic in the way that I know whatever happens to me, whatever comes from this crazy adolescence I struggle with from time to time, it is going to make me strong. I will be strong, I will be confident and I will be happy in the end. The road gets curvy, bumpy and sometimes it is just straight and boring, but its all about the ride and who you invite to sit shotgun.
Its been a hard few weeks. School is killing me, literally dragging me through the city by my ankles. I am crazy emotional and sensitive and I'm just straight up unmotivated. I need the summer, badly. Finally, the weather in Utah is brightening up and becoming T-shirt friendly. It is just what I needed to get out of this slump of bitterness.
I have had to pull up my big girl panties and deal with everything in silence and it has truly made me a stronger person. There are times I have to bit my tongue, cry by myself, go for a drive to calm down and blast some music. Feeling like I have no where to turn is hard. I have the best friends in the world that I know I can turn to at any time, but wording exactly how I feel? Completely impossible. I wish I could express it, but I cant. I wish it could be more simple.
To the BSF: My eyes have been opened as to much each and every one of you means to me, I can not wait until we are reunited. Summer days at the pool, summer nights spent dancing, chilling out and sleeping outside. I love you all more then you will ever realize, you have all made such a difference in my life. I appreciate everything you guys do for me.
To my family and Chelsey: You guys have put up with a lot of crap of mine as of lately and I have two words for you, I'm sorry. I have been such a beast to be around. Things can only go up from here. I promise to be better and show you all the respect you deserve. I love you all endlessly.
To him: You have no idea I am upset with you and I realize that it is unfair. You have no idea what I just heard and how my stomach literally feels like it might explode. I hope everything you have told me thus far is true and that this little thing that really isn't a big deal doesn't affect everything we have been working towards. I have given you everything I can, this is me, I need to know that you accept that. I know that you will never read this blog, nor would I want you to, but for some reason typing all of this out has made me feel a lot better.
"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. One step at a time."
XoXoXo.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Welcome to my silly life..
So, it has beeen a while. Since December to be exact! Im gonna break this all down into catagories so I dont leave anything out, prepare yourself! :)
School: Literally kicking my ass. I am only taking 16 credit hours, but I honestly have never been so overwhelmed. I find myself constantly asking myself what productive thing I should be doing over hanging out. It is really tough. Although, I am loving my classes, it is a lot of work. A lot harder then my first semester.
Work: Is INSANE! Who would of thought that tanning is so popular in the FREEZING utah weather? Well, it is quite the hot spot. Semi annoying. I used to be able to do school work and relax at work, that is no longer the case!
Da love: A and I are working on a friendship currently. Its failing. You cannot be friends after dating for 3 years. Trust me, I am aware. I have never been so scared of loosing someone permanently in my life, until now. I can not imagine it, but I need to suck it up and remind myself there is a reason for all of this and it just needs to be done.
I have a new intrest :) I didn't think it would happen at all, or at least not for a really long time. I refuse to fight it, I am going with the flow and I am incredibly happy! I have never felt so compatable with someone so fast, I love it! :)
Hauuuur: Is gone! I have removed the extensions. They are hard to keep up on, constantly itchy and I missed being able to wash ALL my hair at once. My real hair has grown almost completely out of the awkward stage, it doesnt look bad. I like the change! :)
Chelsey: Has been asked to move out by her parents, and is moving in with us! I havent had to share my space with anyone for six years, so I am nervous but at the same time pretty excited to have her! My favorite thing about our friendship is when we are bugging each other we have no problem telling each other "dude.. your bugging." I think that alone is vital when living together, so it will be an adventure for sure! Im excited! :)
Life as I know it: Life is definitely moving insanely fast! I cant believe it. I miss the old days, yet look forward to what is to come!
BS: I miss each and every one of you, I constantly stalk your facebooks and try to keep up with small texts here and there! Im trying! I love you all so much! :) I look forward to seeing you guys!! I am always telling people about my hot best friends from highschool, especially my friend that puts out for both boys AND girls, Kfed! ;)
XoXoXo
School: Literally kicking my ass. I am only taking 16 credit hours, but I honestly have never been so overwhelmed. I find myself constantly asking myself what productive thing I should be doing over hanging out. It is really tough. Although, I am loving my classes, it is a lot of work. A lot harder then my first semester.
Work: Is INSANE! Who would of thought that tanning is so popular in the FREEZING utah weather? Well, it is quite the hot spot. Semi annoying. I used to be able to do school work and relax at work, that is no longer the case!
Da love: A and I are working on a friendship currently. Its failing. You cannot be friends after dating for 3 years. Trust me, I am aware. I have never been so scared of loosing someone permanently in my life, until now. I can not imagine it, but I need to suck it up and remind myself there is a reason for all of this and it just needs to be done.
I have a new intrest :) I didn't think it would happen at all, or at least not for a really long time. I refuse to fight it, I am going with the flow and I am incredibly happy! I have never felt so compatable with someone so fast, I love it! :)
Hauuuur: Is gone! I have removed the extensions. They are hard to keep up on, constantly itchy and I missed being able to wash ALL my hair at once. My real hair has grown almost completely out of the awkward stage, it doesnt look bad. I like the change! :)
Chelsey: Has been asked to move out by her parents, and is moving in with us! I havent had to share my space with anyone for six years, so I am nervous but at the same time pretty excited to have her! My favorite thing about our friendship is when we are bugging each other we have no problem telling each other "dude.. your bugging." I think that alone is vital when living together, so it will be an adventure for sure! Im excited! :)
Life as I know it: Life is definitely moving insanely fast! I cant believe it. I miss the old days, yet look forward to what is to come!
BS: I miss each and every one of you, I constantly stalk your facebooks and try to keep up with small texts here and there! Im trying! I love you all so much! :) I look forward to seeing you guys!! I am always telling people about my hot best friends from highschool, especially my friend that puts out for both boys AND girls, Kfed! ;)
XoXoXo
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